Always thinking of you
by Em.lou13
Summary: {Lizzie Bennet Diaries Universe} She tries not to miss Lydia. At least not to miss her any more than she misses Jane or Charlotte. Why should it be any different? she thinks, but she knows that it is.


**A/N**

**This was based on a prompt someone sent me a while ago, as sort of a Lizzie pov to another fic of mine (stubborn), but i kept it quite vague so it fits both to canon and to the other fic. I'm thinking about doing a second chapter, as like a fallout/afterwards kinda thing but idk, if you're interested in that let me know!**

* * *

She tries not to miss Lydia. At least not to miss her any more than she misses Jane or Charlotte. _Why should it be any different? _she thinks, but she knows that it is.

After a few days at Pemberley, she takes to taking the stairs, hoping to avoid any prolonged awkward elevator rides. The thing about video diaries is that she is in total control over how her viewers see her. She can hide her moments of clumsiness from them, but not from the rest of the world. Not that this is what she is worried about when she sees Darcy (only their second or third encounter since her arrival) as she walks down the stairs, trips and falls straight into him. He catches her arms, and she freezes, looking into his eyes, palms against his chest. For the all the emotions it provokes that she is not willing to contemplate, she can't help but wonder who will catch Lydia. Lizzie can't work out if she's struggling more with this thought, or with the many _pleasant_ thoughts she's having about _Darcy._ She apologises, mumbling a quiet, awkward sorry and runs down the stairs and vows to take the elevator, taking awkward silences over whatever _that_ was. It certainly isn't a story she'll be sharing with her viewers.

_Lydia will be ok _she tells herself again and again, but she can't quite suppress the worry that lingers like a bad taste in her mouth. Jane is in Los Angeles, Charlotte is away, Mary is busy and Lydia is on her own.

She gets used to Gigi popping her head through the office doorway, dragging her out to coffee or lunch, and she enjoys the company of an energetic younger sister. It's difficult, but she tries very hard not to think about her own energetic younger sister. To just appreciate having a friend, even if she is clearly trying to play the part of matchmaker in the tangled web that is _Lizzie and Darcy. _At first, she laughs off the volumes of praise that Gigi speaks about her brother, but she begins to see that it's all true. She can't help but notice how Gigi's enthusiasm covers her vulnerabilities - not too different from someone else she knows.

She's got to thinking _Lydia will be fine_ on repeat, but it doesn't give her much comfort. Because maybe it wasn't Lydia that was wrong, and maybe now Lydia will be too determined to be Lydia to see trouble coming at all.

She goes out to see the city with the Darcys and she struggles with thoughts about Lydia. Somehow, she ends up thinking of her less _and_ more. Less because the voice in her head, the one that speaks English, tangible comprehensive words, doesn't talk about her at all, but more because the stream of consciousness, the pictures and thoughts and ideas she has less control of keep bringing her up when Darcy makes a joke (!), when she sees some funny souvenir, or when Gigi comes bouncing over towards the pair of them. Silly things like this make it difficult to repress the voice in her head from thinking _Lydia would be amazed _or _Lydia would die laughing_ or _God, she is just like Lydia. _Difficult, but not impossible. She manages to keep the thoughts down as deep as she can push them, and instead she enjoys her day, laughing and learning and not just about the city.

_Not her problems to worry about. _That's what she tells herself when a rush of guilt hits her after she mentions Lydia in some ridiculous story about their last real family vacation. This time she focuses on the pair of eyes fixed on her, instead of worrying about whose eyes might be fixed on her baby sister.

She finds herself easily distracted, perhaps not from thoughts of her sisters and Charlotte and _home_, but at least from work and the internet and the world outside of the room she is in. What with a variety of characters visiting her office with a variety of stories to tell (Bing's here and he wants to know about Jane! Gigi's setting the story straight about Wickham! Darcy's doing costume theater!) and this seems to absorb most of her time. This couldn't be more true on the day of a particular encounter, which begins with "Gigi said you wanted me?" and ends with hysterical laughter, exhausted sighs and warm, friendly goodbyes. She figures she was always going to have to fly the nest eventually - why not here, why not now? With days like this, she feels like she could be very happy here, like she could build her own future here.

For the first time in a long while, she believes herself when she thinks _Lydia will be perfectly alright_ and that _it's probably best not to interfere anyway. _The distance has given her a sense of independence from Lydia, not that she depended on her, but she was used to being depended upon, and this gave her a chance to practice stepping away, existing separately and focusing on her own life, her own decisions.

Finally, she starts to settle in, and finds she only thinks of Lydia when she is brought up in a conversation about her family, or in recollecting a childhood memory, or when telling a silly joke that always leaves Lydia in hysterics. And even then, she only thinks of her with a dull ache, a strange mix of regret and nostalgia and love. She spends more time thinking about where she is now though, than thinking of home. There are no complaints to be made: Pemberley is her dream company; Gigi and Fitz are around when she needs a friend; and Darcy has been so unexpectedly _nice_ that she finds herself rethinking everything. But she figures that in the end, that can't be a bad thing, especially now she's getting used to laughing with him and talking with him, and hell, even flirting with him. Everything is perfect. She is certain of this on the day she gets a new phone, the final finishing touch to all the brilliant things she has going on. But then, amidst all the exciting new things happening (and about to happen), suddenly it isn't perfect anymore.

She misses Lydia very much, and she can't deny it any longer.

* * *

**If you leave me a review, i'll love you forever! ;) But seriously, I live for constructive criticism so please please give me some! xx**


End file.
